How NOT to survive your first heartbreak

one day, when you’re 22, just as the world starts to go back to normal after almost two years of covid lockdown and when everyone is excited to finally be allowed to have a life again, you will develop a crush on someone who goes to the same gym as you. whatever happens, do not tell your new friend who went to high school with his brother about it, and when he refuses to meet you because someone else already caught his eye, do not ever find out that it has been you all along. do not reply when he finally makes the connection and tries to start a conversation with you, and when you get hospitalized because of covid, thinking you wouldn’t make it, do not let him set hourly alarms throughout the night to make sure you’re okay and see if you need anything. do not talk to him every hour of the day while recovering. after complaining about your messed up tastebuds, do not send him an ad for a cupcake by a baker all the way from Baguio, because he will figure out a way to get it for you during a 2-day business trip and you will fall absolutely head over heels for him in that moment.

in the rainy evenings of July, do not let him take you out for food almost every weeknight. do not allow him to worry about your health and get frustrated over the amount of junk food you consume on the daily and still buy you fries anyway. do not give him an egg keychain you bought in college to use as keyring. do not develop affection for his car, do not allow it to become your safe space, the witness of your first true love. do not meet his family. do not try to cut things short with him because you’re afraid (you’ve never felt anything like it before). but if you do, don’t watch him cry because you will never forgive yourself for it for the years to come. do not alter your plans of moving abroad for further studies because you’ve fallen in love with him. you would not like Melbourne anyhow, but go somewhere else. some place faraway. even if you stay, do not let him flood you with texts and call you nonstop and eventually show up at your door when you’re upset about something. he will give you all of his time and affection. do not accept it. do not plan a future with him because it will not come true.

for months, you will feel in your gut that things are about to end. that they need to. because this isn’t the life you want for yourself, no matter how much you love him still. do not go with him on that final trip to Japan because you will break up two weeks upon your return, mere days after sitting with his friends until 3am talking about the months ahead, about buying houses close to each other, about sharing groceries, about the collective future you will not be a part of. do not ask him to talk 2 days after the breakup because he will come to see you, and you will have a conversation that will make you realize it was never meant to work out in the first place. but there is so much love still there. an uncontainable amount of it. do not ever think about what to do with all the love left. because you will find no answer.

3 days after the breakup, do not attend a yoga class. do not take vitamins and workout and read and write. do not do whatever it takes to survive. do not handle it amicably, gracefully, respectfully. it will look good. so good that other people will praise you for it, even as you feel your breath abandon ship. even as eating and sleeping and thinking about anything else becomes hardwork. do not try to be smart or strong or poised about it. do not allow yourself to hear his name for the first time after moving back from your summer in Europe. do not give him space in your mind when you make friends in a cafe close to his house, whose owner knows him from childhood. do not look at his social media account and find him following a new girl - beautiful, intelligent, with a kind face - because you know she is exactly his type.

but even if you did do all of those things, at least do not believe that you will never get over it. because you will. you will, and life will get so good, and you will feel that none of this was ever meant to be yours. that it ended because you were always made for something different, for something more. and you will find it. you will find it somehow. nothing that was destined for you will ever miss you. nothing you were meant to hold will ever get away from your grasp. and if you will believe only one thing, let it be this- you will be happy. it was written in the stars.

things will fall into place eventually. but for now, do not forget that you only have you. which means you have everything you need. you are all you need.