"That's because you were loved and supported as a child,"

Some time ago, a few friends and I were talking about poor relationship choices, and how they believe it is linked to an individual's childhood and upbringing. With a hint of arrogance, I said, "Wala din naman akong dad, but I don't make poor choices with boys." To which one of my friends replied, "That's because you were loved and supported as a child, sis."

Something about that comment stuck with me because, while 1.) this friend has always been more insightful than most, and 2.) I was indeed loved and supported as a child, I couldn't help but wonder what about me gave it away. Sure, I can be bubbly and charming when I want to be, but I know other people who are the same, and my first thought isn't that they grew up well-loved.

I finally asked her about it weeks later, and she explained that the level of confidence I have can only be nurtured in someone who grew up in an environment of support and empowerment. She then recalled how a lot of things my siblings did, and continue to do for me, others wouldn't have done.

Lately, I've been feeling bad about how my history with people suggests I tend to be erroneously honest and trusting from the get-go. That makes it easy for people with ill-intentions to weaponize my transparency in turning against me and the people close to me. I regretted that in more than one occasion, I went right ahead with the truth instead of choosing my words carefully and playing safe like most seem to do. Ultimately, I hated that my nature does not allow me to be anything but upfront about how I feel and what I know. It allowed even the wrong people to see right through me.

This chapter of the book I'm reading - When Things Don’t Go Your Way by Haemin Sumin - talks about how your outlook on the universe is shaped by your experience of life (including childhood and reality faced as an adult). Accordingly, if your prevailing outlook on life is that the universe is always out to get you, others' gains are your losses, and you think that life is a zero-sum game, then you most likely have not had a good experience of life and lived/continue to live through tough times. On the other hand, if you’re comfortable with letting your guard down without too much effort, then you were most likely treated with kindness, whose emotional needs were met. It precedes the idea that no one was born a villain; they all have an origin story.

Thinking about this, my friend was right. I did not grow up in a perfect home - who among us did? But I was raised in a safe environment. Even as a kid, a misunderstood teenager - typical awkwardness, teenage angst and all that - I knew the people around me did the best they could and acted based on what they thought I needed, though they weren’t always correct. Growing up, it never felt as though I didn’t inherently deserved the space I occupied. This isn’t to say I’ve always had full confidence in myself. I too have been subjected to my fair share of comparisons, mostly with my nice and talented older sister that everyone inevitably fell in love with. I didn’t even have proper friendships until after college, and having gone to an all-girls school, I’ve gotten involved in my fair share of dramas and experienced firsthand how mean and cutthroat gossip and teenagers can be. Even so, I generally grew up with abundant support and guidance not just from family members, but friends who are like family to us. Not to mention college professors and senior colleagues who trusted and mentored me, fueling my apparent confidence.

In the end, that I am trusting and honest are not weaknesses but a payback to the universe for the kindness it continues to allow into my life. The trust and faith I have for others will never be swapped for scheming and dishonesty. As it is, I can afford to be authentic and live with very little doubt. Not everyone is granted the same privilege.

And while some days (like the recent ones) are dark and gloomy, said confidence nowhere to be seen or felt, I am still grateful that faith, trust, love, and support are the things that make up my core.

Oh, how extremely lucky I am to have things that no one can take away.